Grieving is a perfectly normal and healthy response to the loss of a loved one. Grieving is an adjustment process which allows a person to gradually cope with and accept the loss of a loved one. The grieving process is the same whether one is grieving the loss of a spouse, child, parent, brother, sister, or other significant loved one. However, since the most significant of all relationships is usually that which exists with one's spouse, the grieving process is likely to be the most intensified when the loss is that of a spouse. Psychologists state that the death of one's spouse is frequently the most traumatic of all events with which a person will have to cope.

     Grieving is an orderly process in which certain predictable feelings and events take place. These feelings are often very uncomfortable and even frightening to the bereaved unless one realizes that these feelings are "normal" and are similar to the feelings that nearly all bereaved persons experience following the death of a loved one.

     Sometimes a truly "hurting" bereaved person feels that he or she must be stoic and shouldn't be burdening other family members or friends with his or her grief. The death of a loved one is indeed a great loss and it is necessary to acknowledge it as such not only to one's self but also to others. The adjustment to the loss of a loved one will be easier if all family members, including children, feel free in expressing their grief. Generally, family members feel a bond of unity and are supportive to one another as they openly grieve together. To avoid talking of and dealing with the loss is merely delaying a process which is necessary before one can effectively adjust to an altered life - - - living life without the deceased loved one.

Immediate Reaction to Death

     During the first few hours up to a period of several days following the death of a loved one, family members often experience feelings of numbness, shock, and disbelief as well as a sense of unreality. A widower's comment, "It was almost as though it were happening to another person and I was merely an on-looker," depicts the emotional insulation which initially protects the bereaved from the overwhelming reality of the loss. Other people have described these emotions as a bad dream from which the dreamer would eventually awaken.

     Following feelings of numbness and disbelief, the bereaved begins gradually to realize or actualize that the loss is real and permanent.

     During those early days of bereavement, there is a great need to "hold on" to the deceased. This "holding on" includes dwelling on memories connected with the deceased - - - reliving those last few hours or even the last few days of the deceased's life and recalling bits of conversation shared with the loved one during those last hours together.

     Shortly after the death of your loved one you may realize that while other relatives and friends have returned to their old routines, your whole world seems to have fallen apart. Some people have described this feeling as one of great "emptiness" while others have stated, "It's as though a part of my own body is gone."

     You may find that you are so preoccupied with thoughts of your deceased loved one that you are having difficulty in concentrating and remembering. Making the simplest decisions may be overwhelming to you at this time. Many tasks will be done automatically. There is often an inability to maintain an interest in those other relationships and activities which formerly provided pleasure.

     Without being aware of doing so, you may be internalizing and incorporating the significant and uniques values, mannerisms, and behavior patterns of the deceased into your own behavior. In identifying with the deceased, you may even be thinking that you yourself now have some of the same physical symptoms which your loved one had in his/her last illness.

     Since emotions affect one's physical functioning, it is rather common for the bereaved to endure some physical disturbances, such as insomnia, loss of appetite, muscle tenseness, or other minor physical disturbances.

     In addition to the feelings of despair and loneliness, it is quite common for the bereaved to feel that he/she no longer has control over his/her own emotions.

     Painful as the above feelings are, they are all a part of the normal grieving process. There usually is an intensifying of one's faith which gives the bereaved sufficient inner strength to carry him/her through this difficult period.

     Vivid dreams involving the deceased are common occurrences in the early phase of the grieving process. You may also experience the feeling at various times that you are hearing or seeing the deceased - - - yet at the same time you realize that this is not actually so. These experiences can be very frightening and may cause you to ponder as to whether you are indeed losing your mind. Be assured that these are normal occurrences and will diminish with time.

     Guilt feelings almost always accompany the loss of a loved one. In your bereavement you feel guilt for all the things left unsaid or undone as you realize it is now too late to complete all that "unfinished business" between the deceased and you. You may be haunted with thoughts such as, "Would he/she still be living if I had only called the doctor sooner?", or "Why wasn't I a little more demonstrative of my affection?" If the death followed a prolonged illness, you may have felt a sense of relief at the time only to have these feelings later give way to feelings of shame and guilt. The surviving spouse often feels guilty merely because he/she still survives.

     It is fairly common for the bereaved to experience some feelings of anger following the death of a loved one. You may subconsciously feel anger that the deceased has "deserted" you and caused you to suffer this terrible loneliness. Or, you may be experiencing some feelings of anger because of all the added responsibilities that have suddenly been heaped upon your shoulders. Since the bereaved is unaware of the source of this anger and usually not even aware that he/she has these feelings of anger, there is generally only a very subtle expression of these feelings.

     Frequently this subtle expression of anger will be directed toward others, especially toward the doctors and nurses who were caring for the deceased at the time of the death. The bereaved may feel that the medical personnel did not do all that they might have done to have prevented the death.

     You may even find yourself questioning how a merciful and loving God could have allowed your loved one to die when your need for the deceased is so great. Then you may even feel more guilt for having had these feelings of doubt and anger.

     Feelings of guilt and anger are normal reactions following the death of a loved one and these feelings will also gradually subside.

     In the death of a loved one, a person suffers not only over the loss of the deceased, but also over the depletion of one's self. When the death is that of a spouse, the surviving spouse's world has suddenly changed and he/she fears the unknown as well as the loss of emotional security. The bereaved spouse has to recognize his/her life and adjust to a myriad of changes which virtually amounts to a new life style. The multiple changes which are being made by necessity and not by choice may cause the bereaved much anxiety.

     An additional burden to be borne by the surviving spouse is that of an identity adjustment. When one's identity has been closely linked to that of the spouse, it is difficult to think in terms of oneself apart from the deceased spouse. It takes time to adjust to the change from the "we" to the "I" status. There are often feelings of rootlessness as one makes that emotional transition to his/her imposed single status.

     With the passage of time there is a gradual severing of the bereaved's thoughts and emotional ties with the deceased. As you loosen your hold upon the past, you become more aware of the happenings in your immediate environment. Gradually you will not only renew your interest in those former relationships and activities which once afforded you pleasure but you may become involved in new and additional relationships and activities to fill that void produced by the loss of your loved one. You are now able to think of and to make plans for the future. You have now come to the place where you can pick up the pieces and go on. The wound is healed though the scar remains. The resolution of the loss of a loved one does not imply that you will no longer think of the deceased - - - rather it implies that you have come to terms with and accepted your loss. It is a fulfillment of the Scripture which states - - - "A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance." The time of weeping and mourning is now over.

     A person often emerges from bereavement as a stronger person than he/she was prior to the death of the loved one. He/she is quite likely to have gained a deeper faith along with increased sensitivity, and greater understanding and compassion for others.

     Individuals respond and move at different paces in their bereavement. The entire grieving process may be completed within three to six months for some individuals while it may take a year or more for others. Factors which influence the length of time for resolution of one's loss include the intensity of one's relationship with the deceased, the suddenness of the death (some of the grieving process may have been initiated and partially completed prior to the death when the death is of a slow, insidious nature), the bereaved's ability to express his/her grief rather than trying to avoid facing and coping with the loss, and the bereaved's personal faith and philosophy of life and death.

• The expression of grief is a normal and healthy response to the death of a loved one.
• Grieving does involve a certain amount of pain.
• Feelings of guilt and anger are a part of the normal grieving process.
• The bereaved suffers not only over the loss of the loved one but also over the depletion of one's self.
• Anxiety is common as one makes the necessary adjustments to a life without the deceased.
• It is not unusual to have minor physical disturbances while grieving.
• Individuals vary in the pace at which they move through the grieving process.
• With resolution of the death of a loved one, one comes to terms with and accepts the loss.
• The bereaved often emerges from his/her grief as a stronger person than he/she was prior to the death of a loved one as a result of a deeper faith and greater understanding and compassion for others.

     Fort Wayne WIDOW AND WIDOWERS group is an organization founded in 1976, serving Fort Wayne and surrounding communities to help the newly bereaved as well as those with continuing needs.

     This organization serves as mutual support for all men and women who have lost their spouses. Its' group facilitators are widows and widowers who understand the loneliness and sorrow of losing a spouse.

Weekly Meetings are held:
        Wednesday nights from 6:30-8:00 at the Memorial Baptist Church, located at
        2900 North Anthony Blvd.

Prepared by Marjorie E. Crill, R.N., as an aid to families in understanding their own feelings following the death of a loved one.